It’s probably my biggest, unconscious fear, yet I have never addressed it…
I’ll admit it, I am absolutely terrified of falling behind. Now this may be in any aspect of my life whether it be blogging, university, friendships, Instagram, trends; I am just scared of not being up to date. I used to think this was a good thing. I’d do my homework the night I got it, I’d blog and blog and blog and push myself to make sure my content went up on time, and I’d spend time that I didn’t have trying to read the latest book or watch the latest film to make sure I was ‘up to date’.
I think social media had a big impact on this. Social media tells us that we always have to be THERE, in the moment of what’s happening online, otherwise we will miss it. If I haven’t been on twitter for a few hours, it shows me things that I ‘may have missed’, and it makes me feel guilty. Yup, I feel guilty for living my life and being busy instead of constantly ‘up-to-date’ on social media.
This unconscious fear that I have inside me is the main reason I left my Instagram pods. I wrote a whole post about it, but the underlying issue is that I am terrified of falling behind because I think that I will be left there, and it stresses me out.
Until this year, like I said above, I thought this was a good thing. But, sometimes, it is not. In my first year of university, I was so scared of being left behind. Being from a small village school, it was my first time exposed to such a diverse group of people. Some who are incredibly intelligent, and I felt inadequate. I forgot to remind myself that I was there for me and not anyone else, and I pushed myself too hard. I stayed up until 5 am WEEKS before my deadlines, hammering out work because I wanted to get ahead. Because, for some reason, I thought submitting my work 2 weeks before the deadline would help me do that.
Needless to say, it did not, it did not at all. In fact, it made my quality of work lower than I could achieve, and I know that. I pushed myself too hard, all because I wanted to win a race that nobody else was taking part in. If I’d have reviewed and edited the work with fresh eyes the next day, my grade would’ve been much higher, and I know that.
So, I guess what I’m trying to say in this post, is that I acknowledge that I have the fear of falling behind. I acknowledge that I have this complex about always being one step ahead, and I think that the rapid habit of social media is to partly blame for that. But, I now acknowledge that it is not doing me any good, socially, mentally, emotionally, anything-ally.
I’ve forgotten how to live in the moment, instead constantly trying to live in the future. That’s why I am writing this post on 25th August, but you won’t be reading it until at least 20th September.
I haven’t got any better, but I’m working on it. And I am definitely working on not letting this mind frame affect any of my future university work.
Thanks for reading.