Just a lil’ disclaimer before we get into this post, it gets a bit deep. But, I wanted to write this because it’s exactly how I feel and it’s something that I’ve never really spoken about before. If you think that you may be unable to handle the post, please protect yourself and don’t read it. Lots of love x
This is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, and something that I thought I would write about.
I’ve read a lot of books in my life that have glamourised being ‘damaged’. And, as a teen, I bloody loved them. They made me feel accepted and like I wasn’t alone.
Platforms like Tumblr and twitter circa 2012 re-affirmed this romanticisation, and I’ve considered myself that way ever since.
And I don’t mean in like a ‘oh don’t be angry at me, I’m damaged’ kinda way. I mean that I see myself as a lesser person than everyone else.
I see being ‘damaged’ as a negative cloud that hangs over my life. I see it as a reason why I don’t deserve a happy life like everyone else.
You know the saying ‘everything happens for a reason’? I see myself as the reason when bad things happen, and it’s a really unhealthy mindset to be in.
I did talk about how harsh I am on myself a little in this post and, although I have learned to begin forgiving myself, I don’t think that I’ve ever tried to really get to the root of the problem.
Because I see myself as a lesser person, I don’t see myself as being deserving of anything. I don’t see myself as being deserving of opportunities, or successes, or love; and it causes me so many problems in all areas of my life.
It’s difficult to love someone that doesn’t think they deserve it, and trust me I know that. That’s in my head time and time again, and I worry that the people that do love me are going to get bored of me second guessing them one day. I mean, it must be horrible to love someone who cannot even see themselves as worthy of being loved.
And, recently, it’s been affecting my life even more than usual.
And, I had a wake up call.
Because I was only viewing myself as ‘damaged’, I was holding myself back. I was also holding myself accountable for every little thing that went wrong in my life; and that gets exhausting.
And, what even is being ‘damaged’ anyway? It’s not an actual measure of anything, and it doesn’t actually mean anything. Everyone has had bad things happened to them, and we are all ‘damaged’ in some way.
And, whether that ‘damage’ was through our own foolishness or through the unkind actions of others, you don’t deserve to limit yourself for the rest of your life (as long as whatever you did was not incriminating or against the law).
Something that I’ve been learning is that, everyone has been through things in their lives. And that does not mean that they’re ‘damaged’ beyond repair, it means that they’ve survived all of those obstacles and stumbled out the other side as the person that they are today.
Letting the things that happened in the past limit you and your life is only going to give those things a greater power to affect your future.
Changing the way that you view yourself is a very difficult task, but it can be done. So, from now on, I’m going to try my hardest to see myself as something other than damaged and to stop limiting myself. And, if I can’t do that straight away, I’m going to keep reminding myself that everyone has been through various things, and those things are just a part of who we have become today.
I don’t know if this post made much sense, but it’s kinda worked as a mind dump for me and how I’ve been feeling at the moment, so I’m glad that I wrote it down.