Image of me walking over a bridge

Shall we be completely and utterly honest on this Sunday evening?

Alright then, let’s go for it.

I’m currently in the second term of my third year at university (where has time gone??) and I’ve nearly dropped out, more than once. And I don’t mean that I’ve just joked about it or said it in a stressed panic (although I have definitely done that too), I mean that I’ve genuinely nearly dropped out a few times.

And I’ve put off ever speaking about it because, I guess, now that I’m near the end of my university experience I find it kinda embarrassing that I got so close to giving up so many times. But, I think that it’s important for me to write this for my own peace of mind, and just in case anyone else ever feels this way.

So, here are the reasons that I almost dropped out of university.

Home-sickness

I didn’t ever think that I’d be the kind of person that would get home-sick at uni. I know that sounds silly because it’s, like, the one thing that everyone universally agrees on about university, but I didn’t think I had much to miss at home.

That sounds sadder than it is.

I have my family and, of course, I miss them and I knew that I was going to. But, in first year I went home every weekend so saw them quite often.

I was beginning to find the town that I grew up in suffocating. I felt like I couldn’t go anywhere without everyone knowing everything about me. And I literally couldn’t go anywhere that wasn’t my town because I couldn’t drive and was too anxious to learn in my town.

I do have friends at home, but I don’t see them very often. And Zack hadn’t lived at home for 2 years and moving to university meant that I was closer to him than I had been since we were at school, so what was there to miss?

But, for the first few weeks, I really did feel homesick. I missed the safety net of my town. How small it was. How unthreatening. A city centre felt massively out of my comfort zone. Plus, everywhere I went I was having to meet new people and I found that really exhausting at first.

But, I pushed through it.

I do still feel home-sick sometimes, but that’s easily sorted with a quick weekend trip home.

Image of me in front of a wall near my local duck pond

Loneliness

I spent the first few nights at uni with Zack and had a great time meeting people etc. And then he left and I suddenly felt very very very alone.

I tried to push myself to go to things, but anxiety got the better of me in the end. And, so, I spent my first year really quite lonely with very few friends.

In a way, I kind of did this to myself. I know that you can’t befriend people if you’re not leaving your room, but anxiety kept telling me that no-one would like me anyway.

In second year I decided to change this. I moved into a house with my friends and tried to interact more with people on my course. I mean, this did bring a lot more drama because I was actually interacting with other people, but it made me feel so much better.

And now, in third year, I am very content with my small friendship circles.

Financial Worries

Now, this is a much more recent concern.

If you follow me on twitter/instagram (if not, why not?), you may know that we had *some* housemate issues in the last year or so. Quickly glazing over that, basically I’m currently paying 1 1/3 rent. I can’t exactly afford to do that (especially seen as my student finance has dropped for no reason), and it’s left me in a bit of a tricky situation money-wise.

I do work. I had two jobs in first and second year, and I’ve taken on another this year. But these are flexible jobs, which is exactly what I need to fit around my degree.

But, the flexibility of these jobs means that I don’t earn as much as I would if I had a ‘normal’ part time job. I have considered trying to get weekend work, but I’m worried that this will massively affect the amount of time that I can dedicate to my degree.

So, yeah, it’s been a bit of a stressful situation.

I guess that the thing that is the weirdest about university is that everyone is in a different financial situation. I have friends as broke as me, and friends that don’t have loans at all, and everywhere in-between.

And, I’ll be honest, I did have a little jealous crisis of ‘why do I have to work my ass off when other people have things handed to them??’, but I got over it. It’s not their fault and I’d love to be in their situation, but unfortunately I’m not.

So, hustle it is.

Image of me walking over a bridge

Self Doubt

I was always good at school work. Like I did pretty well and kinda just got on with it. And I decided to do an English degree because I liked it and was good at it; simple.

However, when I came to university, my weaknesses were definitely exposed. My strengths were, too, but it took a bit of adjusting to.

I very quickly started to doubt whether I was good enough to be here. I wasn’t doing as well as I wanted to straight away, and I’ve definitely had moments whether I’ve worried about whether I should be here or not and whether this is for me.

To be honest, I still am not sure.

I don’t know if this degree is going to improve my career prospects, but I’ve reasoned that it cannot worsen them.

I don’t know whether I chose the right course, but I’ve reasoned that I have enjoyed myself and enjoyed learning more about a subject that I love.

And I don’t know whether it was the right decision. But, at the end of it all, I will have the experience and a degree and that’s all that matters.

So, I still don’t know if I’ve made the right decision. But, I’ve just got one term left until *hopefully* I graduate. And, in the end, I’m really glad that I didn’t drop out.

Love,

H x

Liked this post? Why not read University: Expectations Vs Reality?