IMG_5746I’ll be honest, I haven’t been through a breakup in a very long time. I’ve been with Zack for over 6 years, so my last breakup was almost 7 years ago. It was rather uneventful, I hadn’t been with him long and, to be honest, I didn’t really care that much. However, something I am very experienced in? Friendship breakups.
I have lost a lot of friends in my time for many different reasons. Sometimes it was them, sometimes it was me, sometimes we just grew apart- that happens to everyone at some point with somebody. But, nevertheless, I have been shocked each and every time by just how hurt I actually was about it.
See, I don’t think I’ve ever really thought it would.
In primary school, I’d fall out with people weekly (I once had an argument and told a girl I was the Gabriella of the school and she was the Sharpay, I was such a sassy little sh*t), and it would be the biggest drama in the world at the time. It would make me angry and I’d complain about it to my mum, but we always became friends again, because that’s what kids do.
However, it wasn’t until I reached secondary school that I actually started to value my friendships. I definitely didn’t realise just how much I valued those friendships until they were over, and I think that’s why it hurt so much. Plus, I lost a lot of friends at the same time for the same reason (we’ll not go into that), and it genuinely broke my heart.
I’d never felt heartbreak like it. It was a shock to the system, I think, because I just didn’t expect it.
I can’t explain how much it hurt to not have those people nearby all of the time or on-call for when I had a problem.
Since, I’ve actually rekindled some of those friendships which is amazing because I never thought I would. But that’s just a sidetone.
Anyway, because of this heartbreak, I kinda put a barrier up. I stopped getting what I considered to be *too close* to any friends I made because I was scared that it would end up in me being hurt. I basically had friends for the sake of it, and just to have someone to hang around with at school, and it was a bit rubbish.
Like I said, I rekindled my old friendships and I did let these people in because I knew them and they knew me, and it felt safer.
And, when I came to uni, I came with this mindset.
Throughout the whole of first year, I just had friends for the sake of it. I had friends just to sit with in lectures, and I’d never really go anywhere with them after class, even if they invited me, because I didn’t want to get close to anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I did genuinely like these people, it was just me thinking I was protecting myself.
But, ultimately, it made me very lonely.
I mean, if you read my HELP: I Don’t Fit In! post, you’ll know that I was feeling this way.
So, this year, I made it my mission to make some closer friends at uni, and to let the ones I already had into my life a bit more.
And it was great, for a while.
I made some really good friends, and it made me feel much happier. But, somewhere along the way, I started to overshare. I wasn’t used to friendships (sad reality), and I didn’t quite know what was TMI and what wasn’t.
I feel like I’ve learnt this since though, and I’ve got that balance back.
Until, I went through another friendship breakup. And, I’ll be honest, it really has hurt me. I feel like it really knocked me back by how much it hurt me, actually, as again I wasn’t expecting it to upset me so much. It’s hard when you think you know someone and then it turns out that you really don’t, but hopefully I’m moving on from that now.
So yeah, this is my friendship story. It’s been bad, ugly and good so far, and hopefully I have learnt from it- every experience is a learning lesson! I guess going into my twenties I do not really want the drama of friendships anymore. I’m a low maintenance friend who is good at other low-maintenance friendships, and that’s good with me.
If you’re currently going through something similar, please do not worry. What I have learnt from these experiences is that, even though these friendship breakups can hurt sometimes, we can also learn a lot from them and they often lead us to better things.
H x